The Lie Emporium

A Life Less Scary

"The interesting and varied life of Scary Duck, Genius, French Cabaret Chantoose and small bets placed."

Wedding From Hell

horse shoes
Actual weapons used in the Battle of Pete's Wedding

I remember that day well. It still comes back in nightmares. Big, vivid, full technicolor nightmares with added swearing and violence. It was ace...

It was the occasion of the marriage of my dirty old Uncle Pete (aged fifty) to Brenda the twenty year old local bike he'd got up the duff following a late-night knee-trembler in the office stock cupboard. It came right at the peak of a fantastic inter- family feud and everybody there hated everybody else. All the signs were there that it was going to be a doozy and it didn't disappoint.

The wedding itself was half an hour of barely disguised threats in the church as the two families pointed accusingly at each other.

"Dirty old man"
"Money grabber"

The reception was done on the cheap at a local youth club. Everyone on the top table went up to the buffet and cleared the lot, with Brenda, not known for her sylph-like appearance, going back for seconds before anybody else had even got firsts. They left a lettuce leaf and two sticks of celery for the other guests, who, sensing a siege mentality, took turns to sneak out to the local fish and chip shop.

It only took two hours and thirty minutes for it all to go off. Somebody stood on somebody else's foot. Somebody refused to apologise and a punch was thrown. It missed, and caught granny on the side of the head.

"You fooker!" shouted granny and let fly with her handbag. It caught Uncle Billy on the nose in an eruption of blood and snot, leaving granny a fetching shade of red.

"You bitch!" shouted Uncle Billy, spraying blood and snot over everybody in a six foot radius, managing to get in a hefty kick at the handbag swinger, but only connecting with a table leg, hurling drinks across the room in a pissy yellow shower.

Then, like that famous film of the Siege of Stalingrad, the two armies came together in a rain of blows, kicks, scratches and a rain of cheap keg beer.

The disco played on. "Karma-karma-karma-karma karma chameleon..."

The police arrived to break it up, and hours later people were still coming back from the chip shop wondering where the hell everybody had gone. It was my best night out ever. Pete and Brenda are still married, bless 'em.

While this story is based on actual events in the life of Scaryduck, certain identities and venues may have been changed to protect the innocent.