The Lie Emporium

A Life Less Scary

"The interesting and varied life of Scary Duck, Genius, French Cabaret Chantoose and small bets placed."



"Rear Window"

Barbara Windsor
Oooh Matron!

I’ve got a very good friend in Tony. Six of us all worked in the same office, three guys, three girls, and blow me down dead if we didn’t all get married. Not all together, mind you. Three couples. Nothing kinky. We’d all go round his house for evenings in getting drunk and staggering up the road for a late-night takeaway, discussing the issues that mattered, like football, “Which Spice Girl would you like to pork”, football and what Tony’s next door neighbour would look like with no clothes on.

Tony’s neighbour was a nurse at the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital. She had curves all over the place and Tony definately never, ever leered at her over the garden fence, something he went to great lengths to mention to Liz, all the time. The fact that she always seemed to wear a uniform that was several sizes too small didn’t help matters much. She was a nineties Barbara Windsor, only without the cockney accent or a gangster for a husband.

It was during one of these Friday nights in that matters came to a head. Tony was in the kitchen sorting out a cup of tea, a tinny and a few snacks when he suddenly became quite excited.

“Al, Rory - come and help me in the kitchen”

“No way mate, we’re watching TV. And it’s your turn to get the beers.”

“Lads. I really need your help in the kitchen. Now.”

“Piss. Off. Tony.”

By now he was jumping from one foot to the other, and it was pretty clear that “No” was not an option.

“I’ll give you a hand” offers Liz.

“No! No! No! Al and Rory only!”

There wass no point arguing, we caved in and trooped into his kitchen extension at the back of the house. The window was built on the side to accomodate another room even further back, and it gave excellent views of Nursie’s rear windows.

Tony didn’t even have to tell us where to look. There she was, buck naked and on all fours, being rogered senseless doggy-style by her current boyfriend right in front of the patio doors. Now there’s something you don’t see every day, unless you’re Ron Jeremy.

The three of us stared open mouthed as her breasts swung rhytmically to each thrust, the look on her face showed that she was having the time of her life, blissfully unaware of the Three Stooges watching on.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen her out of her nurse’s uniform”, muttered Tony

“She probably hasn’t got any other clothes, the poor girl” says Rory

“And look, she’s lost a contact lens” I chip in.

“Everything all right back there?” calls Liz

“Uh. Yes. Yep. Yup. All OK. No need for your help. At all. Everything under control. Jesus H Christ, look at those tits!”

Before long, Buck Naked Boyfriend appeared to be sagging, and had the tell-tale grimace on his face as he rammed home the vinegar strokes. They collapsed in a heap on the floor, exhausted from their passionate clinch. It was no good - we cheered. And like a previous voyeuristic discovery several years before, the curtains were whipped closed without even the offer of an encore.

We were called filthy perverts by our wives, which would have been an insult if it hadn’t have been so true. Tony had to put up with several months of embarrassed grins and stilted small talk with Nursie before, sadly, he moved to the North of England, and we to the South Coast. Still, if I ever plan to have an accident, I’ll make sure I get run over by a bus in Reading. You never know...

While this story is based on actual events in the life of Scaryduck, certain identities and venues may have been changed to protect the innocent.

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