The Lie Emporium

A Life Less Scary

"The interesting and varied life of Scary Duck, Genius, French Cabaret Chantoose and small bets placed."

The Complete List of
"Scaryduck's 'Did You Know?'"

Question Mark
"Riddle me this"

330: Britain's most popular brand of washing-up bowls, brushes and kitchen bins go under the name 'Addis' because they are made in Addis Ababa, and form Ethiopia's main export. The recent conflict with Eritrea almost brought the Ethiopian kitchen supplies industry to its knees, leaving the door-to-door Kleen-Eze corporation - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Sudanese Ministry of Works - with a virtual monopoly.

319: Comedy Manchester United defenders Gary and Phillip Neville's father is called (and I kid you not) Neville Neville. So impressed was rock icon David Bowie at this information, he actually sat down and wrote a song about him:

"Neville Neville put on your dress
Neville Neville your face is a mess
Neville Neville how could they know?
Hot Tramp I love you so!"

322: Russian president Vladimir Putin is the great-grandson of another famous Putin: the mad monk Ras Putin. To honour his infamous relative, the multi-talented Russian leader even wrote a song about him, which became a worldwide hit for Boney M. Oh, those Russians.

327: Drug-addled film stars Cheech and Chong are to remake the classic action movie “Speed” in their typical doped-up style. Watch out for the Keanu’s never-to-be-forgotten line “There’s a bong on the bus.”

344: Rumours continue to circulate of a royal marriage between Britain’s Prince Charles and his main squeeze Camilla Parker-Bowles after he answered a journalist’s question, “Your Highness, how is Camilla?” with the words “Really firm, fruity and gagging for it”. Still, it’s nice to see old people happy.

325: The director of the Swedish Security and Intelligence Service goes under the code-name of Double-O Sven.

356: The Welsh version of the popular gameshow ‘Wheel of Fortune’ features no vowels, but allows contestants to buy an ‘L’ for 500 points. On the other hand, such is the complexity of the language, a typical edition of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ on Chinese Television (top prize - three dogs and a chicken) lasts for 18 hours, and usually ends with one of the contestants dying of exhaustion.

327: A big screen version of cult TV classic “The A-Team” is to be sponsored by a famous breakfast cereal company. At the end of the movie after the bad guys have been roundly defeated by means of a series of loud non-fatal explosions brought about by everyday household implements, Hannibal Smith is contractually obliged to say “I love it when Alpen comes together.”

332: In order to improve the dental health of the nation, the British government is to add flouride to all beers, wines and spirits served in British pubs from July 1st 2005. Children will not be forgotten in this ground-breaking piece of legislation - all alcopops and three litre bottles of extra strong cider sold in supermarkets and off-licences will come with added fluoride too, along with a cheery message reminding the kiddies to brush their teeth before bedtime.

353: The giant Millennium Wheel in London was built to give the Great British public sedate aerial views of their capital city whilst rotating at a serene two revolutions per hour. However, the first people to ride in the behemoth - a busload of pensioners from a local old people’s home - were involved in a tragic chain of events that led to the near cancellation of the entire project. The operator, recently recruited from a local funfair, was heard to shout ‘Scream if you want to go faster!’ before cranking the machine up to the maximum 400 revolutions per minute, with the old biddies bouncing around inside like a pair of old boots in a tumble dryer. The survivors were posted home to their nearest and dearest between two sheets of cardboard, while the operator is now in charge of improving services on the London Underground.

The Millennium Wheel opened to the public in February 2000, along with its sister attractions the Jubilee Line Ghost Train, the Big Ben Death Slide and the Buckingham Palace House of Horrors.

352: Recent scientific research has proved the existence of a taxi driver gene which genetically pre-disposes people to become taxi drivers, go out and buy a beaded seat cover, grow a fat backside and completely forget the street map of the town they have lived in for their entire lives. Examples of behaviour directly attributed to the taxi gene (all experienced by this Scaryduck Corporation researcher in various locations) are:

* Not knowing the location of the largest hotel in town, despite it being a thirty story behemoth with flashing neon sign on the roof visible for miles around (Tokyo)
* Possessing a car with only two speeds: stop and ninety miles per hour, with a radio turned up as loud as possible to drown out the screams of the passengers (Nicosia)
* Mistaking a large building site complete with cement mixers, bastard great holes in the ground and 200 hairy-arsed builders for the Sheraton hotel (Amman)
* An affinity for advanced mathematics, where the number displayed on the meter is a mere fraction of the actual fare. (Everywhere)
* Becoming “matey” with your fare, engaging them in conversation whilst driving three times round the one-way system (Winchester)
* Suddenly developing a bad back as soon as they see the size of your suitcase, instantly cured by the sight of US Dollars (Lagos)
* An irrational fear of the huge-tentacled creatures and brain-eating zombies that reside “Sarf of the River” (London)
* Mistaking the request “Take me to the Hotel Manhattan” for “Take me on a guided tour of the city until the meter shows five figures”. (Seoul)

My research continues. Can I go home now?

359: The classic line “Get away from her, you bitch” spoken by Sigourney Weaver during the final fight scene in the film ‘Aliens’, was in fact unscripted. The original line of dialogue, as Ripley emerges in full body armour to battle the alien queen was “Does my bum look big in this?”

349: Red faces all round at the Pentagon, when it was revealed that all-American icon Ronald McDonald is the seven of diamonds on the Government’s “Most Wanted Iraqis” deck of cards. No damage done, Ron will be going straight back to his old job just as soon as he’s back from Camp X-Ray.

332: BBC Director General Greg Dyke is the long-lost brother of “Gor Blimey Mary Poppins” actor Dick Van Dyke, which goes some way to explain why Diagnosis Murder always seems to be on the television these days.

Another little known fact is that Dick Van Dyke is the inventor of the popular system which allows you to play movies on your television with a perfect picture from a small disc no more than a few inches across. Hence the name DVD player.

493: The Seventeenth Amendment of The Constitution of the United States makes it legal to form a baying hate mob to "chastise witches, wizards, those possessed by demons and un-Americanes"; provided that there is at least one rake, torch or length of rope for each person present. The Eighteenth Amendment adds that adequate toilet and catering facilities must be provided, plus comprehensive personal insurance in case "ye lynchinge shoulde go wrong".

353: Ever wondered why opera singers tend to sing the same line over and over and over again? This is just in case there are any Americans in the audience. Take, for example, Act XXIII of Wagner’s Flight of the Oberammerscheissekartofflekopfgeschaft. You may hear:

“The queen is dead ! The queen is dead !
The queen the queen the queen the queen is dead dead dead dead dead
The queen is dead ! The queen is dead !
Dead dead dead dead dead is the queen queen queen queen queen !”

This will be followed by a loud voice from the most expensive seats in the house: “Gee Wilbur… What happened to the Queen ?”

37: It is illegal under the 1987 Mullet Prevention Act to cut someone’s hair in Great Britain without first registering as a member of the Worshipful Guild of Barbers, Hair Stylists, Toupee Fitters and Close Harmony Singers. Members are expected to undergo a rigorous training course involving :

* Proper use of scissors and electric cutters in a combat situation
* Correct dispensing technique of “something for the weekend” in order to cause maximum embarrassment to the customer
* Close harmony singing and wigs
* The proper procedure for clipping annoying kids round the ear without the parents noticing
* What to do if you accidentally cut someone’s ear off (run away)
* The reporting of mullet-wearers to the correct authorities. Many senior barbers possess the "Double-O" prefix - the legendary "licence to kill" - to deal with persistent offenders.

Anyone caught operating without a correct Barber’s Licence is liable to a six month prision sentence or face being paraded through local streets with a no.3 bowl haircut and a 1980's Top Man jumper.

350: The tallest building in the World is the Great Tower of Clacton, standing at an amazing 12 feet tall on the seafront of the English holiday resort. Visitors can pay a small fee to ride the funicular railway to the top, from which you can admire spectacular views of the High Street. On a clear day, you can see as far as Frinton, almost two miles away.

2499: George W Bush is in fact completely unrelated to the 41st president George H W Bush, and the two men have never met.

359: A youthful Tony Blair once appeared on cult TV show “Jim’ll Fix It” where Jimmy Saville fixed it for the young Anthony to be Prime Minister for a day. However, once the cameras packed up and went home, nobody told the boy to stop, and he’s been in the job to this day. Saville, you’re a bastard.

362: Quantum physics has now shown that Wednesdays are simply Tuesday 22nd of July 1854 repeated again and again. This has led to what is known as a Tuesday/Wednesday paradox where Fridays cease to exist altogether.

447: The German version of the World’s favourite quiz show is called “Ve Have Vays of Making You a Millionaire”.

364: Yellow snow is a naturally occuring phenomenon and is perfectly safe to eat.

365: Entering the words "search engine" on any popular internet search engine will cause a catastrophic infinite search loop, creating a massive cross-server overload which will eventually crash the entire internet. It’s a known bug which Google and Microsoft have had top people working on for years.

363: In order to prevent bubblewrap from getting damaged in en route from factory to customer, it is carefully wrapped in bubblewrap.

1386: Nuns must be fully proficient in all forms of martial arts including Tae-Kwon Do, Judo, Karate and Pub Brawling. They are also trained in every form of kinky fetish, including sex toys, fisting, golden showers and girl-on-girl action so that they know where and when to avoid temptation. Any nun that can't drink twelve pints of "Heavy" without going to the toilet is drummed out of the order.

39: Vampires and Werewolves can be kept away from your house at night by repeatedly playing Celine Dion CDs at full volume. This also works for people who are not werewolves or vampires.

48: If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you can park anywhere you like, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1978.

972: After performing a tearful “Candle in the Wind” at the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales, Elton John planned to sing his 1984 hit “I’m Still Standing” by way of an encore. Unfortunately, he was forced to drop the idea when all the religious stuff made the service over-run.

1118: If you run a barcode scanner over any zebra, it will read the number '666'. Proof positive that this figure is indeed the number of the beast.

1116: The first words ever spoken on a live television broadcast were made by Edgar Ponsonby-Smythe, who uttered the immortal words "Is it on yet? It is ? Oh fuck a pig", and was immediately sacked."